Now listen-up ladies . . . do you know anyone, anyone at all who has emerged from a changing room in a positive frame of mind . . . after trying on a selection of swimsuits? No – I don’t either! Trying on swimsuits should only be indulged in by those with the toughest of temperaments and unshakable self-confidence . . . and preferably beautiful bodies!
Now let’s take this game up a notch. At the tri-shop I visited today, they charge $30 per wet-suit ‘fitting’! Believe it or not! This is more than they charged me to try on elaborate wedding dresses before I got married.
Today they provided plastic bags to wear on my feet to make it easier to pull the wet-suit legs on. They provided grippy gloves to wear so I could tug the suit half-way up my own crotch – the burly South African man in charge of the ‘fitting’ was quite specific about the need for this.
They provided ‘Speedos to wear under it – yes Speedos! Like ‘show and tell’ underwear! The young woman assistant (chaperone?) did reassure me that I would never be seen in these in public, would I? Like I was not planning to sit around the pool in them, was I? She was frightened! No question this is Growing Old Disgracefully.
By this time dear devoted husband had left the room . . .
This was all to get the suit to the stage where Mr Burly Boss could move in on me, to stretch the armholes over my beefy shoulders before snapping the cutty edges tightly back under my armpits and around my neck . . . while at the same time managing to ram my biceps (I mean breasts) and triceps (I mean back-fat) into what turned out to be a chest-encasing, life-threatening rubber compression chamber more suited to a prepubescent Scots College first-former, than a buxom woman of my age.
Three times I was disgracefully man-handled in and out of this wet-suit (so I could try out different Speedos under it) each time grasping a rail to keep my balance while his burly heaving lifted my feet off the ground! This brought a whole new meaning to the ‘laying on of hands’. Modesty was not even an issue. I should have charged him – not vice versa!